A life changing moment...

Have you ever had a 'moment' when your life changed forever?  I believe you have several of those in life.  Of course, a couple of my biggest life changing moments were marrying my darling husband 14 1/2 years ago and then the birth of my son.  I was forever changed.

I do believe there are moments that aren't so joyous that change your life forever.  These 'moments' make you a different person too.  Your forever changed.  I had a 'moment' like that alittle over 6 years ago.  It was a very low point in life for me, but before that I was the girl who threw Halloween Costume Parties complete with Karoake, New Year's Eve Parties, again complete with Karoake.  I hand-made fancy invites and really put my all into making the party a bash to remember.  Everyone always seemed to walk (or wobble) away happy and looked forward to the following years bash. 

However, after that 'moment' 6 years ago, my zest for all that was nil.  I was very sad for a very long time.  I shut a lot of people out and a lot of people shut me out because I wasn't the same person.  So, I did what most people do, I really tried to concentrate on my work and I became quite successful. 

Some people didn't understand why there were no more Halloween parties, no more New Year's parties, but to me none of that seemed important any longer.  My life was different and a lot of people didn't understand, nor did I expect them to.  I took a blow to the gut and I couldn't bounce back the way everyone thought I should have.  Part of the reason was that I NEVER wanted to talk about my feelings, quite honestly it hurt too much and I didn't want people to know how badly my heart was injured, nor did I want to make them sad.  This went on for a long time, I became very good at crying alone in the bathroom or in the closet.   
In time, I learned to grieve for my loss, learned to be gentle to my feelings, forgiving to my anger and learned to listen to my heart all over again. However, I was changed by that single 'moment' in time.  I was no longer the person I was before, I grew up in a new area of my life.  Changed forever.

Once again, we are going through a 'moment' in our lives as a family and its had many down points.  I am learning to re-adjust my thinking and outlook on  the future.  We are changed.  Not all is glum, during this lousy time I have also learned to be thankful for a lot of things, my families health, the roof over our heads, food on our table,support of our parents and support of one another. My beautiful son has taught me a lot of the biggest lessons.  He shows me each day that all the money in the world can't bring you as much joy as, a 'family hug',  a 'knock-out' kiss, reading a book together and giggling until we run out of breath.   

My point to all this is, you will have several moments in life, some will last longer than others, but they do change you.  Through these journeys you will have some people that will stay with you, some people that will leave you, some people that will understand and accept your change, some people that will never understand you after, some people that you will push away, some people you pull closer.  Whatever it is, know that change is ok.  We are allowed to change, even as adults and not everyone has to understand or accept.  You will know who counts when these moments happen and who never really mattered.

A Squirrel named 'Mommy'...

Despite feeling like my head has been in a fog all day, I felt pretty good.  Its amazing what a sinus infection can do to you.  Totally drain you of energy is the biggest for me and the hardest to deal with, especially when you have a 4 year old child.  I haven't been the greatest of playmates, but Andrew has been quite the trooper.  We've discovered a cozy place to read (on Andrew's race car bed), so we have spent lots of time cuddled up there reading (what I believe to be every) Caillou books (written).   We've played lego on the floor and we took a nice walk yesterday to collect fall leaves for a project he was doing in school. 

So, today I took Andrew to school and came home to tidy up the house a bit, send off a few work emails and just collect my thoughts.  When I picked Andrew up from school today he was very proud to show me his leaf project.  It was a cute little brown squirrel made of construction paper and its tail was full with fall leaves, it was beautiful.  As we walked to the car we discussed what the squirrels name should be.  I had suggested 'the frisky little squirrel', as this is a song Andrew has been singing as he and his classmates prepare their songs for the winter concert in December.  Well, Andrew vetoed my suggestion and decided he would name it Andrew. Ok, then.  THEN, he immediately burst out that its name is 'Mommy' and he has stuck to that name the rest of day.  He proudly showed Daddy his project this evening and told him her name was 'Mommy'. 

I find it quite flattering he would name something he created after me.  As I was putting Andrew to bed this evening he told me I would be his girl forever.  Oh, how I wished that would be true, but for now I'm happy being a squirrel named 'Mommy'.

A month long journey...

Today, I went to the doctor, mainly due to my sinus infection, but also I have a few more health related concerns.  I have an appointment for blood work next week, but I'm not waiting for those results to make a change. 

Its no secret that I have gained weight the last 2 years, high levels of stress has created quite the munching monster in me.  I've indulged in comfort food, chocolate and just about anything else that looks appealing, well, time for me to take control of my life again.   

So, I have put a 1 month plan into place, cause I don't think planning in great lengths of time has been successful, so I'm breaking this plan up into smaller segments.  First, month journey will include lots of fresh veggies and fruit, with EVERY meal.  And yes, I must start drinking my gallon of water a day again, its super important and going into these winter months it will also help combat the dry skin blues. 

Second part of the month journey includes getting my feet moving again.  I'm not looking to break records, but I need to move my feet again.  Tonight I have reserved a trail run with my boys and I'm so looking forward to it.

Its a new dawn, its a new life, for me.

When you think you have it bad...

Life has a way of handing you reality checks.  The last several months have been up and down months for me, lots of things happening in our lives.  However, there is always someone who has it worse, not that I'm wishing anyone to be worse off than me.  I take no pleasure in other peoples agony, however...

We received a call from a very good friend the other night and were quite saddened by the news she gave us.  Her young son was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago, it was serious enough that he was granted a 'Make a Wish'.  Fortunately, with treatment, the support of his family and the touch of God he pulled through and went into remission.  Yay!, right?  Well, a couple of weeks ago they discovered some lumps in his neck again and he has had surgery to remove them and at present they are being tested.  So, at this point in time we don't know what the prognosis will be, but my heart aches for what the family is going through right now.  I can't imagine the type of worry you feel when you have a sick child.  I know what I feel when I think of those people in that situation and I seriously fight hard to keep the tears from streaming down my face. 

When I sit and want to start to feel sorry for myself I try (or will) remind myself to remember things like this.  I try (or will) continue to focus on the fact that I am blessed with a caring & supportive husband, a happy child, have food on the table, a roof over our heads, a means to get to work, a little extra cash to do some fun things here & there, have family who support us, but most of all I will remind myself that we are all healthy.  Things that crop up are minor in comparision to what some families are dealing with. 

When you think the sky is falling, you just need to look up and realize its not and re-evaluate the situation for what it truly is.  I know this is sometimes difficult to do, especially when its your problem/situation.  Your close to the issue at hand, so its very easy to get caught up and make it into a drama of sorts.  I'm in no way de-valuing anyone's situations, but I know that I will be examining my circumstances as they arise a little differently and acknowledging the mountains vs. the mole hills. 

Pumpkin Spice Latte no more...

Today was a good day or so I thought... Popped into the Good Earth Cafe after dropping my child off at Pre-school thinking I would treat myself to a delicious Pumpkin Spice Latte.  No Go!  They ran out of Pumpkin Spice!! Seriously, I'm not joking.  Its autumn, the time of pumpkins and everything warm and cozy and they ran out of Pumpkin Spice.  I left in dispair, no coffee cup in hand. 

In the beginning...

Its feels very weird to start a blog, as the initial post for most new blogs is probably about the same.  Blah, blah, blah this is the reason I'm starting this blog, blah, blah, blah this is what I hope to get out of it, blah, blah, blah this is what I hope you get out of it... Unfortunately, mine is not much different than that. LOL.  However, I'm not expecting anyone to get anything out of my blog, as its my journey, my thoughts, emotions, decisions and maybe (hopefully) you will connect with me a little.

So, the reasons for starting this blog are basic, first and foremost a place for me to write out what I have going through my mind (could be scary along the way).  At present, there is a lot of things happening in my little family's lives.  Lots of things I don't talk to people about, but lots of really important, life changing things.  The stress levels have been quite high around our house and I really internalize the stress to the point  it physically shows on me (hives, etc.).  After having a major stress attack last night (chest pains through to my back, hives so bad my skin actually felt like it hurt and was burning) I decided that I couldn't do this to myself any longer.  I need something as an outlet to express myself, but I also want to use this blog to show my journey.  What journey you ask?  Well, I believe there are lots of journeys in life, life is a journey.  I have lots of journeys to travel, deal with, conquer and lose, but I need to take the first steps in starting them.

I'm going to cover a multitude of subjects, from running (which I plan on taking my first steps again next week), raising a child, being a wife, a daughter, a daughter-in-law, a sister, a sister-in-law, an auntie, a jewelry designer, a career advisor, dealing with weight issues (up and down the scale), basically my life journey. 

The most important piece for me to keep in mind is, that its not a race to the end to see who got there the quickest or with the most material goods, but to experience it as a journey and take in what it offers and sometimes doesn't offer.  I'm learning sometimes life isn't always fair, sometimes you get dealt a bad hand, sometimes you make a bad hand, sometimes your hand is a royal flush, but its always going to be the way you play it that shows through in the end.  Today, I decided to play a little better and hopefully I will play with grace and dignity (most of the time) and travel through my journeys for each lesson they will bring and not try to sprint through life like its a race. 

Its a journey, not a race and I want to live each journey for what it is whether its high or low.